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It doesn’t get better for me.  I thought that last weeks efforts were shambolic, and the management at IncGamers had “words” with me about the direction I was taking with my reviews.  After speaking to the editor, I rolled a fat one and thought about how I was going to tackle my new game, the triple Z title, Space Simulator.

Frankly, I couldn’t be arsed installing it, but I thought that maybe I should.  Just to see what the game did actually look like.  And I wasn’t feeling as angry , the fat one had certainly made a difference to my attitude.   Unfortunately the game was pretty shit, and I’m basing it on the soundtrack alone.  As offensive as you can get.  It was like listening to an orchestra of fanny fart finalists.

I’ll be honest with you, the idea was to create a space station, the back of the box states that you can either create a winning station or lose it in ‘a burning inferno!  You decide’.  Lest I say that my decision had been made for me. 
“Brilliant” I thought, so I went back to it, making sure the music was firmly OFF.

Feeling a little floaty myself I realised that I was watching two idiots who weren’t real, floating around space.  My crew was a hard, white, Russian man sharing with a buff, black, gay, American astronaut. Any hopes of Cold War 2 were sadly dashed. The Russian was a bit of a loose cannon, constantly getting chewed out by the chief, and the American was a week away from retirement.  It turns out, in classic buddy movie fashion, they got on like a space station on fire.  So I rolled another and started reading the back of the box again for inspiration.  And I found it.  Proudly plastered across the front was the line “Developed in collaboration with NASA”.  Checking my watch, I called NASA.

“Good morning, NASA communications, how can I help?”
“Oh, yes, hi. My name is Tharjick.  Lee Tharjick, and I just want to speak to someone about my space programme.”
“You have a space programme?  Where are you calling from?”
“The UK.”
“So you’re part of ESA?”
“Who the f** is ESA?  I’m creating the Lee Tharjick space programme, and I would like to know how best to instigate a ‘burning inferno’ on a space station.  It’s advertised and I just want to know how quickly I can make it happen and how much damage I can cause.  I don’t want my crew to come back at all, let alone alive.  I’d also like to talk to someone about trajectories to the sun just in case there is anything else to burn that survives.”
“Right.  Could you hold the line please sir?”
“If you hurry the f** up I’ll wait, otherwise I’m calling Penguin Patrick Moore.”
Phone goes dead.

I couldn’t be arsed to try again.  So I called a Bravo TV girls in your area thing and asked to speak to an American bird who might know how to create a burning inferno, but she just starting talking to me about crabs and Chlamydia…

So my overall experience of the game?  I’d say interesting, but I wouldn’t give it more than a 6.  I never did get my inferno.